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Punk Preparing For Winter Installs Snow Chains On Chuck Taylors

CARBONDALE, Ill. — Local punk Steve Friedmann is preparing himself for winter by installing heavy-duty, stainless steel snow chains on his nine-years-old high-top Chuck Taylors, fashion-conscious sources confirmed.

“Every year around this time, I start my winter prep routine,” explained Friedmann. “First, I insulate my jean vest. Then, I weather-strip my gauged earlobes, and, of course, I wrap my Chucks in 1-inch thick, anti-skid snow chains. I also get my winter beanie professionally dry-cleaned, since I wore it all summer.”

“I also got a couple bags of sand to slide into my cargo pockets, in case I need to weigh them down so I don’t slip on the ice,” he added. “One thing you don’t wanna be is walking home on a snowy road with your back-end outta balance. Better safe than sorry.”

For several decades, punks like Friedmann have made Chuck Taylors their footwear of choice — despite the fact that they provide absolutely no traction on snow and ice.

“Chucks are cold, highly absorbent, and provide no grip at all… so taking precautions to avoid busting my ass on the ice are key,” confirmed Buffalo-area punk Renee Alger. “Sure, it’s a lot of work, but at this point, these shoes are like a part of me. An uncomfortable, flimsy, poorly-made part of me that provides zero arch-support, but a part of me nonetheless.”

Friedmann’s girlfriend Sarah Morehouse, while supportive, acknowledged that Friedmann’s excessive winter care routine is negatively impacting the couple’s social life.

“I know he loves his Chucks… but those chains add a good 30 pounds per foot, and tear up the asphalt everywhere we go. You wouldn’t believe how many holes I’ve got in my stockings from him kicking up gravel,” said Morehouse. “And he’s so slow — the other day, we were going to see a show at 8 p.m., and it took us two hours to walk to the venue. Luckily, the opener didn’t actually go on until 11:30, but still.”

At press time, Friedmann was reportedly planning out his “spring prep routine” of de-sleeving his recently re-sleeved band shirts, shampooing his beard for the first time in three months, and re-lacing his Doc Martens.