MINNEAPOLIS — Baxter Lenin, guitarist for Ketamine Chainsaw, recently received a “pre-denial offer” in the mail from Capital One, confirmed sources.
“My first thought after getting that offer letter in the mail was, ‘How the fuck do I even have mail?’ I live in a van with our drummer and a squirrel,” Lenin said during a break from chalking “This Machine Kills Fascists” on the side of a Planned Parenthood. “I’m not even quite sure how my credit can be that bad if I don’t have a Social Security number or a legal name in 11 states. I mean, fuck credit scores. I don’t even have a savings account, unless you count the loose change I store in the center console’s cup holder.”
A representative from Capital One provided some much needed insight on the pre-denial offer.
“Let’s just say someone like Mr. Lenin demonstrated a lifestyle so un-monetizable that it alerted our credit monitoring department,” said Dee Webster, media relations manager. “For example, taking an absolute—pardon me—dogshit bass guitar from the free box at a garage sale in northeast Minneapolis, and stringing it with four regular E strings obtained via swindle so as to—and I quote—‘fuck up the tone some more’ and ‘tune this bitch in one-sixth of the time.’ This is someone who co-signed for a car loan using the Social Security number from that LifeLock commercial. This person doesn’t have a passport but is permanently banned from Canadian Tire. Canadian Tire! If someone like that willingly or accidentally opened a line of credit with us, it could crash the entire financial system. We took proactive measures.”
Professor Fin Gabriel, chair of the Predatory Economics Department at the University of Minnesota, wasn’t surprised about Capital One’s unusual credit practice.
“Mr. Lenin’s case demonstrates evolving credit models that meet consumers where they’re at, which in this case is a van,” Gabriel said. “Traditional credit cards turned into Buy Now, Pay Later—BNPL—which became Buy Now, Pay Way Later, or BNPWL. Mr. Lenin falls into the newest model, BNFU—Buy Never, Fuck You—which offers pre-denials with special introductory interest rates. By this time, he should be receiving a post-denial offer just to confirm he doesn’t deserve a life of personal credit card debt.”
As of press time, Lenin reportedly used the offer letter to light a cigarette clenched in his butt cheeks at a Ketamine Chainsaw show, and now owes Capital One $179 plus 0% interest for the first six months.