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Punk Eagerly Awaits Thanksgiving Tradition of Hiding from Family in Garage

HANSON, Mass. — Local punk Brandon Gardner will continue his annual Thanksgiving tradition of hiding from his family in his aunt’s garage, Gardner himself confirmed this morning.

“Every year, this is the part of the holidays I look forward to most,” said the 27-year-old of the five-hour-long ritual which started when he was 12. “I’ll start with the looking-at-my-uncle’s-tools portion for 45 minutes, before moving on to the annual ‘re-reading of my cousin’s diary from when she was 10.’ Traditions are important, and I hope to pass this one down to my own kids once they start hating everyone someday.”

Gardner admitted that while he rarely sees his extended family, he continues to seek out the garage for his own mental stability, which he insisted “wouldn’t be possible without them.”

“If I don’t find a good hiding spot early, I run the risk of uncle Jerry [McGee] talking at me about ‘my career choices’ for hours on end,” said Gardner. “A guy like him just can’t understand that my band is actually starting to really take off. We just self-released a new full length, and booked a weekend Canadian tour in December, but he’ll just lecture me on retirement plans, or health insurance, or some dumb shit.”

The act of hiding from family members during holiday functions is not unique to Gardner, according to sociologist Deborah Rawlings, who has studied the practice for years.

“When a person from the ‘punk’ subculture is dropped into a ‘normal’ family setting, they’re often in an awkward position — either publicly by, for example, having to explain their facial tattoos, or privately, biting their tongue so hard during political discussions that they draw blood,” said Rawlings. “I’ve studied countless subjects who have hid in garages, but some will simply walk miles through suburban woods — or, in extreme cases, hide in a giant leaf pile for hours.”

Sources close to Gardner say the Thanksgiving gathering is expected to bring in family members from all over the state with their own holiday traditions.

“The McGee Turkey Bowl is the best backyard football game in all of Massachusetts,” said Gardner’s “kiss-ass fucking jock” little cousin, 13-year-old Tyson Landis. “We gather up everyone in the family, and Brandon gets burned by Grandpa every single year. Brandon sucks, and so does his band.”

Photo by Bostonian Barber Shop.