CHICAGO — New mother Kelly Wazowski’s night out was saved at the last minute after successfully bringing their newborn child into their local dive after dressing it in an emotional support animal vest, bar patrons have confirmed.
“My husband and I have a standing date night at the neighborhood dive every Tuesday, infant daughter be damned. None of the bartenders would serve us with a three-month-old in tow until tonight, when we walked in with her decked in an emotional support animal vest I found in a box down the street. It’s a total game changer,” said Wazowski. “This vest is our golden ticket to bring her anywhere and our marriage is saved. Besides, she pisses and shits as much as those ratty, bug eyed support dogs so what’s the difference?”
The dive bar’s bouncer admitted his hands were technically tied.
“This is clearly bullshit, but last week I let in someone with their service iguana and it had the same vest on, so I didn’t want to look like a hypocrite. Even when I pushed back just a little within two seconds, she handed me some photocopied certificate for her ‘service baby’ and even then, it says it’s only valid in Bulgaria,” said door man Bruce Leonard. “I didn’t have the energy to go back and forth with her all night about ethics and mental health, but she better not change that kid’s diaper on the bar or the health inspector will shut us down again.”
Trainers condemned what they called a gross exploitation of what it means to be a service animal.
“An animal in a service vest is used to convey countless hours poured into becoming a disabled person’s lifeline. However, since you can buy these vests on fucking Amazon, thousands of people are walking into casinos and bars with any sentient creature, losing their shit when you call them out. And now we’re doing babies? Name one time a crying, helpless baby boosted anyone’s emotional well-being,” said Assistance Dogs International rep Debra Howard. “Sure, it might be nice to be able to bring your infant to all your favorite haunts now, but if she is still wearing that vest as a toddler and bites someone she’s getting hauled off to an animal shelter.”
As of press time, Wazowski argued with the bar owner that her daughter’s emotional support role entitled her to park her car across two handicap spots in the parking lot.
