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Punk Bachelorette Eliminates Every Guy Who Calls Shows Concerts

LOS ANGELES — The first openly punk Bachelorette Kelly Sears stirred up controversy on the long-running reality show last night by immediately eliminating any contestant who referred to DIY shows as “concerts,” frustrated producers confirmed.

“Kelly was a favorite on The Bachelor, and we knew we wanted to work with her further. When she brought Colton Underwood back to the apartment she shares with 16 other people and showed off her collection of show flyers, it was a real hit with our audience,” said executive producer Mike Fleiss. “Unfortunately for us, she already handed roses to over half the guys, because they didn’t understand a rather subtle distinction about live music performances.”

Fans of The Bachelor remember that Sears was kicked off the show for spitting in Hannah Godwin’s mouth — which is why many fans were surprised to see her named as the next Bachelorette.

“Kelly is the only contestant I ever hated. Most girls come from nice Christian homes, but Kelly had a giant upside-down cross tattoo on her back, and swore an awful lot for such a pretty young lady,” said reality TV blogger Lyle Dunlop. “When Colton tried to take Kelly to meet his pastor, and she said she’d rather ‘eat the ass of a Springer Spaniel than step foot inside that shithole church,’ I suspected that maybe she had an attitude issue.”

Sears defended her actions in a recent Bachelorette live blog.

“I came here to find the man of my dreams… and the type of guy who’s going to a $5 basement show wearing a white baseball cap and khaki shorts and calling the thing ‘a concert’ is just not for me,” read the lengthy post. “I know the right guy is out there, and I will trust the process. Plus, it’d be an added bonus if he could play drums — my band seems to attract flaky drummers who ditch out after a month. Maybe my standards are just crazy high, but I won’t settle.”

As of press time, industry insiders leaked information that Sears eliminated the remaining contestants after they failed to name just one single song by the Misfits.