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Punk Assures Interviewer His Five-Year Plan Includes “Stacked” Memorial Show in His Honor

PHOENIX — Lifelong punk Roddy Scotts assured a potential employer in an interview yesterday that, in five years, he sees himself posthumously headlining a benefit show honoring his life and untimely, tragic death.

“Oh, five years? Easy,” Scotts allegedly said. “I’m thinking it’ll be called something like, ‘Gone Too Soon: A Tribute to Roddy Scotts,’ or something major like that. It’s gonna be so tight!”

“I’m sure everyone’s gonna be real torn up, depending on how long I’ve been dead for by then,” he added. “Because, straight up, I could be dead tomorrow — no lie. But, yeah… in five years, that’s gonna be a sick show.”

Scotts, who wore his cleanest T-shirt and black jeans to the interview, reportedly insisted that most of the prominent bands in the Phoenix punk and hardcore scene would be delighted to pay tribute to “the man who single-handedly changed the scene” — most notably, in policies regarding glass bottles, venue re-entry, and the explicit prohibition of live, feral animals at shows.

“I mean, even if all the bands I’m kind of in play, that’s, like, six hours right there. It could be called ‘Roddy Fest’ or some shit,” he detailed for his potential direct supervisor. “Not to mention all the bands I’ve gotten close to over the years. This is gonna be the event of the decade. I’m a little bummed I have to miss it, to be honest.”

Scotts’ answers, although untraditional and unprecedented, were apparently not enough to rule him out of contention for the data entry position he sought with Intelligent Resources, an IT management company.

“I’ve been with I.R. for a decade now,” said Alana Sanders, who interviewed Scotts. “And this is the first time a candidate assured me he’d ‘almost certainly be very, very, very dead.’ Yes, it’s definitely alarming… but not so much so that I won’t consider him for this temp position, as long as his references check out.”

When asked for his short-term availability, records show Scotts produced a list of upcoming days he would need off — which included several months for an upcoming tour, along with a 90-day stay in jail due to unpaid court fees.

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