WASHINGTON — President Biden called for a nationwide moment of silence and contemplation after the stock price of the Norfolk Southern Corporation (NYSE: NSC) sharply dropped following a disastrous railway derailment that is currently leaking vast amounts of toxic chemicals into Ohio.
“At times of unbelievable national tragedy like these,” President Biden said, addressing a crowd on the White House lawn. “We must take at least a moment to pause and think of the stock prices affected by disasters, regardless of who or what might have blocked a national railroad worker strike demanding changes that could have helped stop this before it happened. NSC has been struck down in its prime. Only last week, due to efficiency layoffs and the necessary relaxing of safety regulations for corporate well-being, it jumped to over $200 for the first time. It was just a kid.”
“Think of the shareholders and their lost dividends,” President Biden added, a tear welling in his eye. “Think of how this affects their portfolios.”
East Palestine resident Rosanna Sawyer had other concerns than Norfolk Southern’s stock price.
“I’m sorry if I don’t have time to mourn corporate losses right now,” said Sawyer while breathing through a moist rag across her face. “I’m squatting in a tarp shelter after being emergency evacuated from my home, I have no idea where my husband and kids are, and the only thing the government seems to care about is protecting a corporation’s reputation. I mean, I understand that business has to keep moving along in pursuit of endless profits and golden parachutes for the C-suite. That’s what America is all about. But it just feels hollow right now.”
Norfolk Southern Vice President in Charge of Public Relations Randall Winger took the President’s words to heart.
“While I may have personally donated above the maximum amount for an individual to Republican opposition to Biden, damn it if he didn’t tell it right today,” said Winger. “Norfolk Southern’s stock price may be crashing and we may have lost countless gallons of incredibly valuable, absurdly life-threatening ethylene glycol monobutyl ether, isobutylene, and phosgene, but we’re going to make it through this. Mark my words, Norfolk Southern will be back, bigger, better, and more filled with hydrogen chloride than ever.”
As of press time, five different Norfolk Southern engines across the country had spontaneously burst into flames and expelled toxic waste across several playgrounds and dog parks.