STILLWATER, Okla. — A pathetic local loser believes that he and his 11-year-old son are best friends, according to nearby sources debating who should break the news to him.
“It’s so cool to have a kid and best bud all in one!” stated 42-year-old Jonah Clarke. “It’s a great feeling when I come home from another long day at the office, where nobody seems to get me, to find my number one bro Dawson waiting for me. Sure, lately he’s been spending a lot of time locked in his room online with his friends. But I assure you, as soon as D-Dog knows I’m home, he eventually comes down and greets me with a badass ‘hey’ before we bro the fuck out the rest of the evening, or until he finishes plating his dinner and retreats back to his room to play Fortnite.”
The pitiful man’s son, Dawson Clarke, explained their tight bond.
“To be honest, I don’t actually know too much about the guy because he’s always wanting to hear about my world,” said the sixth-grade student. “Whenever I used to ask about his day he’d quickly change the subject after insisting that nobody understands him like I do. I just hope he doesn’t drag me to Take Your Kid to Work Day again this year. The last time he did, he tried showing off the ‘best’ spots in the building to chill out, but by ‘chill out,’ I’m pretty sure he meant ‘cry.’ He does a lot of that.”
Psychologist Tina Klein explained that parents often have a misguided perception of how close they are to their children.
“Today’s modern parents are a bit out of touch,” said Klein. “They expect their kids to respect and listen to them, but at the same time spend too much time trying to be their pals. I mean, c’mon, how much of a dweeb are you to be besties with your kids? If you raise your kids right like I did, you’ll want to take a step back and emotionally withdraw once they get old enough to change their own diapers. Trust me, they’ll appreciate the life lessons you just taught them.”
At press time, Mr. Clarke was offering to buy his son anything he wanted in exchange for posing with him for a selfie, which he planned to use as his work email profile picture.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
