DALLAS — Local 45-year-old Jeff Booker appeared to have a Cornholio-impression tan line on his abdomen, hinting that he regularly reenacts the famous alter ego…
TACOMA, Wash. — Mourners attending the funeral for local goth legend Joshua Proach, also known as Alistair Nightfall, weren’t sure which of the several hearses…
MINNEAPOLIS — General Mills announced today a new line of Nature Valley breakfast bars called “Just Chunks and Dust” that will be released to North…
People always told me to dance like no one was watching. To sing like nobody’s listening. But it turns out those people were assholes because…
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the entire night laughing and talking on the phone with former President Trump about far-fetched ways…
WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced he would be scrapping his plans for a reelection campaign citing low ticket sales due to his waning popularity…
WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden assured the nation of his cognitive faculties by publicly releasing his Highlights magazine “Can You Spot the Difference?” quiz results,…
LEMI, Finland — The International Heavy Metal Association (IHMA) agreed today to accept that “Beer” and “Professional Wrestling” will be recognized as official subgenres for…
If there’s one thing that drives me crazy it’s when I see other adults break out the tired “kids these days” complaint for being lazy…
CHATHAM, Mass. — Struggling married couple Danny Holland and Mark Brewster admitted they are privately rooting for implementation of Project 2025 which would outlaw gay…
SEATTLE — Microsoft officials revealed the global internet outage affecting airlines and critical infrastructure systems around the world was caused when the computer programs running…
LEXINGTON, KY. — Lily Jones, personal therapist to resident Alex Hirata, would like him to know that yes it’s okay to masturbate as a form…
WASHINGTON — President Biden stood firm in his refusal to step down and issued a long, incoherent, often confusing, warning to any Democrats looking to…
BELLEVILLE, NJ — Financially savvy 38-year-old Scott Lawry revealed his secret to saving $50 is to spend several hours shopping at multiple grocery stores, confused…
HELSINKI, Finland — University of Helsinki researchers released results of a study showing the Sunday Scaries are gradually encroaching on the earlier days of the…