FLOYD KNOBS, Ind. — A new independent study revealed that basically anything you think happened around 2022, was probably closer to 2017, if not earlier.
“We can add this to the list of the great mysteries of science. I first hypothesized this peculiar phenomenon after purchasing a Fischer Price Corn Popper for my niece’s birthday, only to discover the toddler had been replaced by a third grader, which was weird because I just visited her not long ago, and the kid was totally a baby,” said horologist Jillian Ford. “What came before the Big Bang? How does anti-matter work? And how the hell has it been eight years since ‘Ozark’ debuted? I’ve studied the phenomenon of time exhaustively, and in my expert opinion, there’s no freakin’ way I’m in my mid-40s, and yet all data points to that being the case.”
Physicist John Demalti was skeptical of Ford’s claims at first, but has since come to realize we are indeed somehow living in the year 2025, a full one-quarter into the 21st century.
“It seems contradictory,” explained Demalti. “But despite the fact that Prince died just a few years ago, he also, apparently, died nearly a decade ago. It’s truly a Fermi Paradox-type situation. Another thing that may seem like a Mandela Effect is that, according to research, there was actually a four-year gap between Trump being president, though at this point it’s still a mystery as to who, if anyone, actually filled the position.”
Those outside of the scientific community were also shocked by this revelation, including electrician Allen “Skip” Malin.
“Call me a chronology snob, but honestly, I liked time better back when eight years could really change things,” said Malin. “I mean talk about shrinkflation. From 1992 to 2000, I went from playing with ninja turtles to starting college. I watched fashion change from glam, to grunge, to goth, to nu-metal. But from 2017 until now, I’m not sure I’ve even changed my sheets. And do people even dress differently than they did eight years ago? I guess it’s about time for us to start having 2010s nostalgia, but what does that even look like? Does fashion even change anymore?”
As of press time, the study also revealed that we, as a society, were somehow closer to 2055 than 1994.