NEW YORK — A new study from Columbia University revealed that millennials are still recovering from the trauma caused by the 1987 animated Disney film “The Brave Little Toaster.”
“9/11, unending school shootings, record low wages, a global pandemic, along with the refusal of generations before them to retire have made things hard for millennials. And yet all the evidence shows that ‘The Brave Little Toaster’ is at the core of many millennials’ existential dread,” said lead researcher Dr. Akello McGarry. “Their overall inability as a group to get over the air conditioner shorting out and essentially killing himself has led to a lifetime of anxiety and dread. But it doesn’t end there. When asked what they think about the film ‘All Dogs Go To Heaven,’ 97% of millennials responded, ‘Why would you bring that up, you absolute fucking monster?’”
Jenna Clark saw the film on the Disney Channel back around 1990, but the Brooklyn-based graphic designer says that since that day, nothing has ever been the same.
“How the hell am I supposed to figure out how to buy a house when all I can think about is the heartbreak my appliances feel when I don’t use them, or move to a new apartment?” said Clark. “You want me to have and raise kids? I can’t even get Lampy’s death out of my head! And yeah, I know he doesn’t actually die. Why do you think I have trust issues? This is my fourth attempt at a career! On top of that, I’m still trying to heal my trauma from the horse’s death in ‘The NeverEnding Story.’”
Chester Wentworth, the 65-year-old baby boomer CFO of a defense contractor corporation, who was given the job 45 years ago due to his “masculine handshake and Anglo-Saxon bone structure,” says that millennials are just big complainers who want a handout.
“In my day, we didn’t whine about toasters and lamps and whatnot. We were real Americans. We watched ‘Old Yeller’ get shot then went about our day. We may have beaten our wives and flipped out at cashiers, but surely that doesn’t have any correlation,” said Wentworth. “And yes, obviously, we resent millennials for wanting to talk about trauma. All I ask is that you don’t make me think about self-growth or admit that we’ve ever made any mistakes. You know, the way life is supposed to be.”
As of press time, the nation’s millennials were seen collectively huddled around a TV watching “The Iron Giant,” saying, “What’s even the point anymore?”