LOS ANGELES – Two years after the release of Baz Luhrmann’s “Elvis,” citizens of the United States of America are still patiently waiting for an Elvis movie that explores his true legacy of dying on the toilet, multiple census reports confirmed.
“I already know everything about Elvis’s life. He invented Rock and Roll by himself and then solved racism. It’s why Elvis is still one of the most beloved musicians to this day and nobody ever debates his importance,” said Bill Johnson, lifelong Elvis Presley fan and former D+ history student. “But all these biopics forget one of his most important contributions to society; dying on the toilet with 75 pounds of impacted feces in his colon. Show us his stomach pain, show us how many plungers he would go through in a week. We have had enough of the dancing, let’s see him try to take a huge dump, have a heart attack, and die.”
This growing sentiment in the Elvis community was noted by Hollywood Director Mark Chilwell, who has had his eyes on a project like this for a while.
“We’ve already tested the idea out with multiple focus groups. The glitz, the glamor of Elvis are all well and good. But his private struggles with constipation are what excite the modern movie-going audience,” said Chilwell, who could hardly contain his excitement. “You should’ve seen them! They were practically salivating at the idea of a true Elvis death tale. Paramount approved the initial script within a few hours, and we all got morning beers to celebrate! We start shooting in three weeks!”
Sheila O’Brien, longtime music historian and author of the bestselling book, “The Day the Music Died on the Toilet,” commented about this oft-overlooked aspect of Elvis’s legacy.
“He was a true innovator, and this proves it,” said O’Brien, who began miming his final moment in poor taste. “Other rock stars of the time would die in a bathtub and THEN shit. Not Elvis. He wanted to shit first, then die – just like he famously sang in his hit song ‘Hound Dog.’ You see, it wasn’t all about the music with him, it was also about guns. But then after music and guns, he also loved his toilet time, and I just think it’s beautiful that he got to die doing what he loved. Does that make me a sentimentalist? Maybe. Does that make a disgusting freak? Yes! But Elvis never cared what anyone thought, and neither do I!”
Though Paramount is reportedly still in the casting process for the upcoming film, when asked who they’d like to see play ‘shitting Elvis,’ everyone in the nearby vicinity screamed “DANNY DEVITO” in unison.