ELK GROVE, Calif. — Local man Ron Gibbard finally added buddy Jake Monroe to his contact list on his phone despite three years of friendship and countless text conversations, confirmed sources.
“There are only so many times I can ask whose number this is after I get a text from him, so I decided to add Jake to my list of half a dozen contacts,” said Gibbard while messaging “sorry, just seeing this now” on his phone. “It’s just a hassle I don’t want to deal with when I get a text from a new number. Apple makes it so needlessly complicated. You have to tap their number to find the ‘info’ button and God forbid you accidentally call them. Then you’re suddenly forced to pretend like you meant to call them or that it was a butt dial, even though you haven’t been able to convincingly use that excuse since 2011. Either way, it’s humiliating.”
Monroe was dumbfounded and noticeably upset when he heard of the news.
“He’s just now adding my name? That’s messed up, man,” said Monroe. “We’ve been through so much together. I’ve said shit to him I’ve only ever said to my closest friends. He was the best man at my wedding for chrissakes! Not only that, he’s my emergency contact on all my important documents. Plus, I heard my grandma is an official contact in his phone, despite them only talking to each other once in their entire lives. I don’t get it.”
Dr. Linda Blackwell, a sociologist at Stanford and author of “Lazy Pieces of Shit,” believes Gibbard might have some sort of disorder.
“It’s common for people to avoid difficult situations. Sure, for normal people adding a person’s identity to their phone number moments after exchanging information can be simple but for others it’s on par with asking them to renew their car registration,” said Dr. Blackwell. “They would rather pass on this discomfort to a future version of themselves, hoping along the way their nascent maturity will finally overcome this mental roadblock allowing them to have the strength to face their problems head on, even though deep down they know they will never change and the only way to truly change is to actively make efforts to fix these flaws. No one ever fixes their own flaws though. That’s just human nature.”
At press time, Gibbard finally accepted Monroe’s friend request on Facebook after ignoring the request for three years.