BENTONVILLE, Ark. — Local naive man Collin Blakeman blissfully contributed savings to his 401(k) despite the fact there is no future in which he will be able to use them, sources who need to have their Xanax prescriptions refilled confirmed.
“It’s exciting watching my portfolio grow and it gives me peace of mind knowing that by the time I’m ready to retire decades from now, I’ll have a nice little nest egg,” said Collin Blakeman, 34. “I’m on track with my retirement fund that by 2057 I’ll have enough saved up that I’ll be able to travel and see the world. I’ve always wanted to see the Great Barrier Reef and also Alaska to see those giant icebergs and maybe some polar bears. Heck, I’d even be happy to go to Los Angeles and see Malibu. There will be so many opportunities for me in the future.”
Some friends of Blakeman say they think he is wasting his time and money by saving for a future that doesn’t exist, however.
“I don’t get why Collin, or anyone for that matter, would bother wasting their money saving for the future. Does he not see what is going on around him?” said Tim Slinger while frantically scrolling news stories on Reddit. “Everything is so fucked and the world is literally on fire. And oh… look at this! It’s an article about how microplastics are basically everywhere and are probably floating around in my brain right now. If I were Collin I would just spend my money getting wasted to numb the crushing weight of reality which is what I am going to do right now.”
Financial planner Kelly Trainor says she understands how in these troubling times some may be wary of saving for an uncertain future but she still advises her clients to contribute to savings and not just because otherwise her career would become irrelevant.
“I always tell my clients that I get it. You look at any news now and you can’t help but feel like things are bleak,” said Trainor. “But I always say to them that if you just ignore the certainty of an impending climate disaster, escalating global nuclear tensions, international terrorism, domestic terrorism, the near certainty of worsening pandemics, major US cities engulfed in wildfires, whatever the fuck those drones are in New Jersey, and probably some other unimaginable hell that surely awaits humanity, it’s still best to continue to invest in their futures.”
At press time, Blakeman said he was in talks with a realtor about buying a house that as he claims “Will be great to raise a family in and who knows, maybe someday even have my grandchildren visit.”