PROVIDENCE, R.I. — 34-year-old Ryan Kirkpatrick experienced the thrill of a lifetime when three different people simultaneously reviewed his cover letter in a Google document, which is the closest he will ever come to having depraved group sex, sources close to Kirkpatrick confirmed.
“A wild orgy has always been a fantasy of mine,” said Kirkpatrick from his dimly lit bedroom. “I’ve never been invited to one, even though I ask people on the internet about it all the time, and this felt pretty damn close. I got all hot and bothered when I saw that the Anonymous Ibex and Joanne from my last job were responding to each other’s comments in the doc. Then my stepmother joined in and responded to them. It was like a human centipede, except instead of slurping up bodily fluids, they were going to town on my shitty run-on sentences.”
Kirkpatrick’s hot stepmom reported hearing sounds of sexual excitement coming from the basement where Kirkpatrick resides while she was proofreading the cover letter.
“I was mostly focusing on the top part of the draft, which needed a great deal of finessing. He spent an entire paragraph talking about his knife collection and I really don’t think most employers care about that,” said retired copywriter and step-MILF Nadine Briar-Kirkpatrick. “Joanne was working the midsection, and an unnamed wild goat was going to town down towards the bottom doing God knows what. And that’s when I heard Ryan’s heavy breathing through the floorboards. When he started shouting ‘Yes, yes, more suggestions’ it was becoming a distraction so I just turned on some music and tuned him out.”
Sex therapist Dr. Rachel Credemore noted that using one’s erotic imagination can be an integral part of a fulfilling sex life.
“Most of us will never get to play out our wildest sexual fantasies, but each person has the ability to conjure steamy scenarios in their mind’s eye,” Credemore said. “It’s normal – healthy, even – to do this during masturbation or with partners. But I’ve never heard of anyone mentally converting a Google document into an orgy. I’ve only ever exported one as a PDF, and that barely made me aroused.”
At press time, Kirkpatrick was so focused on the action occurring in the shared doc that he missed a text from his next door neighbor, asking if he was available to join a “slutty minions-themed party filled with tipsy, horny, attractive guests who were beginning to collectively explore each other’s bodies.”