MOORESTOWN, N.J. — Local mom Jerri Donalda is running out of polite euphemisms for describing her “free-spirited” daughter Anne in the annual family newsletter, worried siblings confirmed.
“Around this time each year, Mom starts working on her corny end-of-year letter she sends to friends and relatives: she’ll usually update everyone on my kids and my career, and on our older sister, Aimee, the doctor. But for Anne? Oh, boy, it’s rough,” said sister Leanna Donalda. “Last year the best she could muster is, ‘Well, Anne marches to her own drummer, but we still love her.’ And before that it was, ‘Anne is our little wild child. Perhaps she’ll grow out of it. Fingers crossed!’ This year she might as well be honest and write, ‘In July, Anne traded Mom-Mom’s urn for an eighth of ditch weed.’”
Indeed, Jerri recently asked Anne’s older sister Aimee Donalda-Manese for advice regarding what to write about their “bohemian” family member.
“I tried to paint as rosey a picture as I could… but any conversation about Anne with Mom inevitably ends in eyerolls, loud sighs, and chest clutching,” said Donalda-Manese. “I told her that Anne is actually very creative and a really talented musician, which is true. Obviously, I didn’t mention that Anne is also in a gore-grind band called ‘Fistgasm,’ but one step at a time, I suppose.”
For her part, Anne defended herself against her mother’s assertions.
“My mom thinks my sisters are so much better than me, just because they have good jobs and families and still have all their toes,” explained Anne while desperately trying to smoke banana peels. “But the way I see it, I’ve got a couple more years of being a scumbag, then I’ll get straight and immediately become Mom’s favorite. Prodigal son-style.”
“Or I’ll just keep doing whatever the hell I want until I die in a dune buggy accident or something awesome like that,” she added.
At press time, Jerri was unable to overcome her writer’s block, reportedly considering writing about the family dog instead and not even mentioning Anne.