FRANKFORT, Ky. — Oft-succumbing and soon-dying United States senator Mitch McConnell revealed his post-political plans of destroying all the houses Jimmy Carter built during his time with Habitat for Humanity, confirmed sources who even spotted him with a gas can and book of matches.
“After spending more years in political office than most people have lived, it’s extremely liberating to just be freely and belligerently destructive at my own pace,” explained McConnell to a slightly disorganized coat rack he mistook for a reporter. “My life and career have been defined by a strong and unwavering opposition to the less fortunate, but up until now it’s all been on paper. I haven’t been able to really roll up my sleeves, put boots on the ground, and just strangle a poor person, ya know? But first, these Carter-shacks gotta go now that he can’t hurt me anymore.”
This interest in demolition is not new, however, as Habitat for Humanity staff have identified numerous past appearances by the senator.
“Yep, he’s been out here quite a few times,” reported the organization’s on-site gerontologist Gerald Wayfeather. “Always coming in after his Sunday mall-walk, right after Mr. Carter used to leave for the weekend. Ol’ Mitchy would run around all day slapping drywall, gnawing on support beams, falling through plate glass windows until he was all tuckered out. Not a care in the world other than blind antagonism, bless his heart.”
Experts often point to passion projects such as these to keep one’s life full of vigor well into old age.
“Retirement should be about rediscovering the roots of your identity,” stated AARP spokesperson Bertram Hannick. “It is important for former lawmakers, jaded by years of political deadlock, to use their newfound independence for becoming the fullest, most unrelentingly primal pieces of shit they couldn’t quite be during their career, though not for a lack of trying. For instance, when Strom Thurmond retired, he would spend his time stealing food from old people who just received a hot dish from Meals on Wheels.”
At press time, McConnell planned to expound on his malevolent personal endeavors in the forthcoming memoir, “Human Impediment: Tales of a Worthless Life, Soon Forgotten.”