LOS ANGELES — Local 34-year-old Meris Johnson reportedly stares at her phone for hours at a time in the morning and evening despite constantly championing her mindfulness and self-care routine, confirmed sources.
“I didn’t want to get to the end of my life and realize that I never really lived, you know? I think Taylor Swift came up with that,” mused Johnson from her studio in Atwater Village. “I came to the conclusion at the start of the year that I just needed to be living more intentionally. So instead of going back and forth between apps on my phone all day long, I now stick to one for a few hours at a time at the beginning and end of each day. Yes, sometimes you do have to trudge through some unsavory beheading and/or domestic terrorism videos before you get to the really emotionally grounding content, but it is always worth it.”
Friends and family of Meris are a little split on the outcomes of her “wellness era regimen.”
“For someone so well-adjusted and grounded, it does seem like she gets into online screaming matches with random people kind of a lot,” commented friend and roommate Chelsea Tipton. “But I guess the arguing and the daily manic crying are just all part of the process, because she always posts about her wellness journey in between inspirational quotes with nature backgrounds. Please do not tell her that I suggested otherwise. I’m slightly afraid she might slash my tires.”
Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Sarah Highland provided insight on how she has been able to retain Meris as a client for longer than one month, as several therapists before her had failed to do so.
“Sessions were contentious at first for sure. She didn’t respond very well to any sort of pushback on her time allocation habits,” said Highland. “I learned over time that our therapeutic relationship was best served by affirming that her social media consumption was actually a form of self-care. This idea is backed by data. You don’t need to fact check that. It’s scientifically proven that the more time you spend online, the more susceptible you are to health and wellness content despite rotting on your couch for hours at a time.”
At press time, Johnson started a comprehensive skincare routine despite refusing to wear sunscreen.