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Millennial Can’t Afford Mid-Life Crisis

SOUTHBRIDGE, Mass.–Newly 40-year-old man Gregory Chaudhari is experiencing a new type of mid-life crisis like many others his age–the inability to afford one.

“In my 20s, I realized I wouldn’t have whole MTV Cribs lifestyle, but I figured if I worked hard, maybe when I grew up I could travel, get the cars I wanted, and a home arcade,” Chaudhari said, sitting in his Subaru Forester outside of his daughter’s gymnastics lesson. “When my dad was my age, he freaked out, got a hairpiece, signed up for the Boston Marathon, and bought a Harley. But he worked at the same company for 35 years and owned a house. I still have student loans and only got health insurance last year.”

Chaudhari’s wife Becky says she understands the urges of middle age and is trying to be supportive.

“It took us years of being gouged by landlords and lowballed by bosses to finally scrape enough together to find a place we could afford and start our family,” she said between teaching music classes. “Greg’s smart enough to not waste money on a new car, but even a younger haircut, buying books on existentialism, or signing up for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is out of our budget. I can’t even see him having an affair, because he definitely doesn’t have the time considering the kids’ activities and his second job unloading trucks at the Market Basket.”

Experts report that this situation is not unique amongst millennials.

“People who started their careers around the turn of the millennium have dealt with a post-9/11 economy, the 2008 financial crisis, and COVID-19,” said University of Minnesota Economics Professor Eileen Hong from the office she shares with four graduate assistants. “Millennials never had the financial opportunity to settle into a stagnant suburban lifestyle that led previous generations to buy sports cars and sleep with their secretaries. Even those who scrapped and saved to no longer live paycheck to paycheck still won’t have the opportunity to say, backpack across Europe, because it took fucking forever to get tenure.”

At press time, Chaudhari announced that his family will be going on the Flogging Molly Salty Dog Cruise in 2025, in addition to seeing in-laws in Boca Raton.