CLEVELAND — The metal community is uniting to collect the clean, denim sleeves removed from their jackets and donate them to hurricane victims all over the U.S., sources confirmed.
American Red Cross CEO Gail J. McGovern addressed the metalheads’ generosity earlier today. “We appreciate the thought, but we really need the entire garment,” she said. “Socks, pants, entire coats… coming together to help others is wonderful, but I just don’t know what we’re supposed to do with loose sleeves.”
Sleeves from metal scenes across the country are shipping to the hardest hit areas of Puerto Rico, Texas, and Florida, much to the confusion of citizens who stood in line for hours, anticipating clean water or first-aid supplies.
“Come on. What can’t you do with them? A bottle of water is single-use, but the potential of these sleeves is limitless,” said charitable metalhead Darrel Rittiner, who collected over five crates of denim sleeves. “They’ll keep your arms warm, for one! And, uh… you can use them for mopping up water, or for a doorframe insulator. Or a baby bjorn, a food storage device, a helicopter signal… waterskin, windsock, self-defence whip, facemask, whatever-the-hell else… dude, just take them, or I’ll have to throw them out.”
Texas resident Dewey Bower was particularly upset with his relief package.
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“Aid from the government has been slow, and I’m not sure we’ll ever get back to how we were,” said Bower from his rotting, flooded-out home. “And I’m supposed to be thankful for a dirty box of garbage some long-haired freaks sent me? No, thanks.”
However, the metalhead community quickly defended their altruism.
“Sure, I could give money or food… but this is so much more personal,” Rittiner said. “It almost feels like my arms are there in spirit — pitching in, lending a hand to rebuild in the wreckage. I’d physically go down there if I had the time, but I have band practice on Wednesdays.”
Multiple Cleveland punk bands are reportedly making donations in solidarity, offering copies of both new and old demos that continue to take up space in their living rooms.
Photo by Kat Chish.