SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Merch guy Darren Byrum for touring band Hung Jury was found rehearsing his lack of eye contact in the bathroom of The Catalyst, confirmed sources who skipped washing their hands to avoid disturbing him.
“As a merchandise coordinator, there’s a real fine art when it comes to being unaffected by your customers,” said Byrum. “The busiest time of any night is after the band’s set. The music sells the merch, and it’s extremely important to not let these alt-kids walk all over you with their simple questions and requests for a bundle deal. Showing these kids your eyes is akin to a dog showing its belly. That’s why I need to practice looking at anything except for my own eyeballs in the mirror. I do this for about two to three hours before showtime to really get myself in the right frame of mind.”
The band’s lead singer Terry Priors explained how this lack of customer service helped Byrum secure the job.
“Oh man, Darren didn’t even look at me the first several times we met,” Priors said while rolling a spliff with dirty hands. “I was impressed with the lack of enthusiasm for almost everything, so I sent him a text asking if he would like to jump on the road with us for the next tour. After three days he finally replied by sending back a message that just said, ‘k.’ I knew right then we had the right guy for the job. I don’t even know what his last name is and that’s how it should be. You should never get too close with your merch guy.”
Hung Jury fan Mike Stills recounted his experience in finding Byrum in the restroom.
“The first thing I found jarring was walking into the restroom to find somebody standing by the sink,” said Stills. “I quickly realized it was the merch guy rehearsing in the mirror. He was scrolling on his phone and any time he would glance up at his reflection he would verbally admonish himself. I also heard him repeatedly saying the mantra ‘Sorry, we’re out of mediums’ over and over.”
At press time, Byrum’s run as merch guy came to an end that night, as the band agreed to let him go after word spread that he laughed at a customer’s joke.