MONTICELLO, Ark. — Local unremarkable man Phil Lindley is prepared to answer any question on YouTube interview show “Hot Ones” despite offering no reason to ever be interviewed by anyone, snickering friends reported.
“I’ve watched every ‘Hot Ones’ episode multiple times and know how I would answer any question; they honestly should just have me on at this point,” declared Lindley, who was recently demoted from manager back to cashier at the local Gap store. “Sean Evans will start with the usual ‘How are you with spicy foods?’ and I’ll tell my anecdote about dosing my friends with Dave’s Insanity Sauce in sixth grade. And when it’s time to explain that gram? Yeah, they’ll definitely go for the pic of the fish I caught at my brother’s bachelor party in Pensacola. Hey Sean—I’m free any time!”
Those who have gotten to know Lindley on a personal level are often astounded at how truly unremarkable he is.
“I’m not proud but I did date him for a few months; it was actually fascinating to observe how much of a dud Phil is,” admitted ex-girlfriend and current co-worker Karli Massany. “He has no interesting talents or qualities, yet spends time every day practicing awards acceptance speeches in the mirror. I cannot stress enough that he has no hobbies or creative interests. One time, the city poured new sidewalk concrete and he practiced placing his handprints and signing his name like it’s Graumann’s fucking theater. He’s never read a book!”
“Hot Ones” host Sean Evans conceded that the show’s email inbox is inundated with uninteresting people who think they deserve to be on the show.
“Our show features exceptional guests who have achieved impressive things, so quit pestering me if you’re just a waste of oxygen,” said Evans, who is close to setting the world record for simultaneous stomach ulcers. “Your college drinking stories and third place regional cross country trophies are not very interesting. You know what is interesting? Dua Lipa recounting skydiving with David Lee Roth. Or Triple H confessing to a late ‘90s arson spree. I’m a real journalist so stop wasting my time.”
Eyewitness reports indicate Lindley was recently spotted getting fit for a tuxedo, just in case he is invited to a White House dinner.