NEW PALTZ, N.Y. — Local man Aaron Mendle simply wet his hair in the sink yesterday and wrapped a towel around his waist when he couldn’t figure out how to work his friend’s shower, giving himself a freshly-washed appearance without doing anything to actually get clean.
“I already asked for a glass of water last night, so I didn’t want to bother him. And I considered taking a dump to pass the time while I figured the shower out, but I was scared the toilet would clog, so I just held it in. Now my stomach hurts,” said Mendle. “I gave up trying to shower after about seven minutes of yanking and pulling on every knob with no results. I didn’t want to smell bad, though — I haven’t showered for two days — so I found some cucumber-scented body lotion and rubbed it under my armpits.”
“I am allergic to cucumber, though,” he added, “and now my armpits are on fire.”
Homeowner Ethan Domtrov was reportedly oblivious, even though witnesses overheard Mendle’s neurotic muttering from the living room.
“I never actually heard the shower turn on,” said Domtrov. “I heard the water running forever, though, so I thought maybe he’s the type of weirdo who takes a bath or something. Either way, when he came out of the bathroom, he made sure to tell me how refreshed he felt and thanked me for always being so hospitable.”
Studies show Mendle’s actions are common among couch surfers nationwide.
“Shower operation is one of the key factors in anxiety with visiting friends,” said psychologist Chandra LoPresto. “I’ve had clients go to great lengths to avoid the embarrassment of asking for help — like the woman who pretended to take a phone call, saying their mother died in a car crash so they could leave the house in a hurry. Or another client who staged a slip-and-fall that caused a compound fracture in her wrist.”
At press time, Mendle has decided to avoid Domtrov at all costs after spending five minutes attempting to back out of his driveway and almost hitting the mailbox.