SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Local right-wing conservative Tom Rospin wore a MAGA hat to the airport to let the flight crew know in advance that he would be an issue, confirmed sources who avoided eye contact with him at all costs.
“I love triggering libs who are just trying to make a connecting flight to San Diego,” said Rospin, whose Facebook profile pic is him in a truck wearing sunglasses. “I know I’m going to be a constant pain in the ass to the flight attendants, so I wear this hat so they can prepare for it. It’s a little consideration I take to let everyone know that I will be taking anything that doesn’t go my way like a toddler and loudly complaining about it. That’s the American way, as our president has demonstrated. I guess JetBlue just isn’t ready for a patriot like me.”
The Trump voter’s precautionary headwear proved to be a useful tool in identifying a problem passenger.
“I saw the hat and knew the guy would be a real jackass, and lo and behold, he absolutely was,” explained a visibly beleaguered flight attendant Sandra James. “He was asking for a drink before we even left the gate. I explained that we couldn’t serve anything until we were in flight, and he grumbled and sulked for a while. He loudly talked on his phone to someone about how people weren’t ‘respecting’ him, and how things used to be different. Fortunately we were prepared for this thanks to the hat and were able to drug his fourth Bud Light. He ended up sleeping and murmuring racial slurs.”
The FAA has praised Rospin for his willingness to self-identify as a massive prick.
“The real danger is assholes who are not clearly marking themselves,” relayed Chris Rocheleau, acting administrator of the FAA. “For every MAGA hat wearer making themselves known as dickheads, we have ten undercover monsters who will repeatedly use the call button to berate stewardesses. I am proposing that everyone who has ever written a Yelp review be put into a special database of trouble-makers. This would give our flight crews ample time to prepare to be abused.”
At press time, Rospin saw someone wearing a Che Guevara shirt and was preparing himself to cause a scene.