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Man Tries to Get Tumor Out of Brain by Thinking of Other, Catchier Tumor

GOSPORT, Ind. — Local grocery store clerk Max Fine, who was recently diagnosed with a tumor in his frontal lobe, announced plans this week to rid himself of the soft tissue lump by thinking of a different, catchier tumor, confirmed sources who strongly advised against that plan.

“I’ve been dealing with headaches and blurry vision for a while so I decided I need to make a change,” explained Fine while looking up types of tumors on Johns Hopkins Medicine website to see if one stuck. “Once I had ‘Africa’ by Toto in my head for three full months. Finally, I watched the opening theme from ‘The Munsters’ on repeat for a few hours until, poof! I couldn’t even remember the words to ‘Africa.’ Until just now…shit. Either way, if abnormal brain growths are anything like that one Chumbawamba song then this will be gone in four to six months.”

Fine’s doctor Juan Pantaleon expressed serious concerns about his unorthodox decision.

“Patients often think they know better than trained medical professionals,” said the frustrated Pantaleon. “It’s clear Mr. Fine hasn’t thought through the very serious ramifications of his actions. I mean, what if the new tumor he thinks of is even more catchier than the original, and it spreads to something important, like his feet? How does he plan to ride a bicycle then? These are the kinds of things that take years of medical training to foresee. He is absolutely foolish if he believes tumors are just like ‘Call Me Maybe.’”

Pascal Soriot, CEO of pharmaceutical giant AstraZeneca, believes this kind of self-treatment plan could spell disaster for the industry.

“I don’t know who this Max Fine is, or what kind of game he thinks he’s playing,” raved Soriot. “But if this scheme of his works, what’s to stop other people from trying the same thing?! I mean, we could potentially lose billions of dollars in sales! I’m telling you, I’ve been in the industry for years and the selfishness of these cancer patients trying to heal themsevles never fails to astound me! Think about us for a change.”

At press time, Fine’s tumor had gone into remission, claiming all he did was just listen to “Who Let the Dogs Out” a few hundred times.