BOULDER, Colo. — Local man Turner Eaton was seen standing in the soap aisle of CVS, debating whether to purchase body wash that would make him smell like stone or cedarwood, concerned sources confirmed.
“I didn’t even know that stone emits an aroma. I guess I can kind of picture a cedar fragrance. Actually, I think I’m just imagining drinking an old fashioned in the woods. These bottles are like 64 ounces, I just don’t want to make a three-month mistake,” said Eaton. “Why don’t they just make the body wash in green apple like my three-in-one shampoo, conditioner, and aftershave? I know what an apple smells like! Oh god, this is going to end up smelling like AXE body spray, isn’t it?”
Florence Clay, Eaton’s long-time girlfriend, was worried he might spiral over this.
“This is my fault. A few months ago, I bought him a body wash that just said it smelled like ‘sport,’ whatever that means. Later I admitted I didn’t like the aroma. I just wanted to be nice since he’s always out of soap and usually stuck using his shampoo for his armpits. When I finally told him it reeked, he said he felt like he’d been living a lie,” said Clay. “I don’t know why he acts like I’m the de facto judge of this stuff. A year ago, I bought him a shirt that finally fits for the first time in his life, and now he treats me like the definitive source of all things that make him presentable to the world.”
Alonzo Waller, a creative director for the soap company Northbound, came up with the concept for these scents.
“Ah, yes, my finest work: the gravel and lumber scents. For years, men were worried about smelling like some wimpy flower or a fruit a toddler might eat. That was my inspiration. A man should smell strong… like a rock and timber!” said Waller, clenching his fist and shaking it in the air. “Before that, I’d never even worked with scents before! I used to be in apparel just a few years ago. I’m sure you know my work—I was the guy who invented the only four colors in the men’s section: navy, olive, maroon, and gray. That gem got me poached from Target.”
At press time, Eaton was seen distracted by a “tactical” flashlight display, painstakingly comparing the $38 bulb to the slightly brighter glow of his phone.