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Man Horrified to Learn How Much Younger Than Him New Favorite Band Is

RICHMOND, Va. — Local history teacher Marc Afra received the shock of his life yesterday when discovering how much younger the members of his new favorite band are than he is, sympathetic sources confirmed.

“I saw Laurel Leaf play at a bike collective last month. I was like, ‘Fuck yeah, these guys are like Jawbreaker,’” the 36-year-old explained. “Then, I looked them up on Wikipedia… and learned none of them were even born yet when 24 Hour Revenge Therapy came out. And it turns out this is just a fucking side project of their old band, who put out five albums!”

One of Afra’s students, Gabby Jackson, witnessed her teacher’s apparent existential crisis.

“He spent the whole period on Monday looking up this band he’s obsessed with and asking us to find them on MySpace… but no one knew what that was,” Jackson said. “I found the bassist’s Insta handle, which was j.lawson_98 — but when we told Mr. Afra that, he got really quiet, and told us to just read for the rest of the class.”

Crushed that the band had already far outpaced him despite their collectively few years, Afra’s existential crisis surged.

“How did they get all that done while their bodies were still being ravaged by puberty?” he asked in desperation. “When I was that age, I was stealing Maxim from 7-11 and prank calling my dad’s girlfriend. Fuck.”

However, Afra, whose life reportedly now “feels like a runaway train hurtling toward an ever-shrinking tunnel,” contended he’s still got time to “figure out the music thing.”

“So what if I’m older than they are? I… oh, God. When I was at their show, this girl kept pointing to the band, and I thought she asked if I was having fun — but I just realized she was saying, ‘Is that guy your son?’” he said. “When did this happen?”

When reached for comment, Laurel Leaf guitarist Mando Torres acknowledged their sound is inspired by “the classics.”

“We wouldn’t be able to do what we do without the pioneers who came before us. Much respect to our elders in the Menzingers and Bayside,” Torres said. “We love that old school shit.”

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