LAKEWOOD, Ohio — Local pit boss Ralph MacQuery created a sense of chaos and turmoil when he suddenly hoisted a lost shoe above the pit like it was the head of a scorned enemy bested in a valiant battle, multiple startled witnesses confirmed.
“At that moment, every eye in the house was trained on that guy. I mean, how do you ignore someone foaming at the mouth like a mad dog and demanding the crowd ‘witness the symbol of his triumph?’ I checked to see I still had both my shoes then I immediately start looking for an emergency exit,” said crowd member Gene Probst. “You could tell the bloodlust had all but overtaken him when he started biting at the shoe and trying to rip it in half, I saw him get spin kicked directly in the ribs and it didn’t phase him at all. He was locked in.”
Ralph MacQuery admitted that he was calling for more carnage during local act Blocked Up’s set, but struggled to find anyone who could match him in mosh combat.
“Any fool who believes himself fit to challenge Ralph the Immortal should two-step forward during the next song! Unless you fear meeting a similar fate!” shouted MacQuery from the front of the stage while bearing the Vans slip-on. “Those who fear my wrath may bend the knee now or prepare to be plundered and put to the sword with all the fury of the old gods! I have ruled this floor for the past 12 minutes and I shall do so for the next 10 as well!”
Medieval historian and 15-year scene veteran Dr. Nigel Hirshhorn compared MacQuery’s behavior to Viking warriors from the Northern European civilizations of a thousand years ago.
“Mr. MacQuery was exhibiting the same behavior that we would see in Nordic raiding parties. The absence of pain response when being hit with an elbow to the face, that ferocious – almost bestial – taste for blood, and the inability to be slowed down by any collective crowd action are all straight from the textbook of Viking combat,” explained Hirshhorn. “However, unlike the Vikings, who would often battle under the influence of pain-numbing substances, MacQuery made sure everyone in the venue knew he was straight edge.”
At press time, detectives were hard at work to contact the owner of the lost shoe by cross-referencing the Vans Old Skool tread marks with the records in their local scene database.
Photo by James Knapp.