ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local man Dan McKellan was dealt a major personal finance blow after being completely blindsided by his recurring phone bill, sources close to the broke man confirmed.
“I just fucking gave Verizon money last month, and now they want more? And here I was thinking I can finally catch a break after paying off those bloodsuckers at the power company again. I’ve already paid my phone bill at least six or seven times before! They must have nothing else better to do than gouge me,” said McKellan. “If they’re hounding me for $100 now, what’s stopping them from sending me another bill next month? I don’t even make phone calls so if anything they should be paying me to use their shitty internet, especially since I’m just barely getting by. That’s corporate fascism for you.”
McKellen didn’t hold back his rage against Verizon’s customer service department.
“I was confused at first, because I thought he was either messing with me or just suffering from short-term memory loss. But he was indeed calling to complain about a bill he’s received every month for the past five years,” said customer service rep Nancy Paulson. “To his credit, we do send the next bill like a day after you pay the current one but that’s to keep customers on their toes, stressful as that may be. I did offer to take $5 off his payment if he switched to paperless billing and he threatened to burn my house down. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.”
Financial planning experts noted that Americans need to adjust to living with an influx of bills.
“It used to be that one would only need to worry about utilities, phone, and cable bills. But with multi-tier internet and subscription services becoming the norm, I’ve estimated the average person receives a billing notification every 36 hours. And a constant barrage of bills and notifications of increasing fees is guaranteed to drive anyone insane, so we mentally block them out,” said Henry Quan. “The best way to mitigate bills is to share logins and passwords, use your work computer for personal use, and if anyone wants to talk with you, make them do it face to face.”
As of press time, McKellan was distressed to receive another unforeseen bill but was relieved to find it was just his overdue credit card statement and threw it in the trash.