DAYTON, Ohio — Local romantic Colin Novak finally proposed anal to his longtime girlfriend Amanda Hale yesterday at the couple’s favorite tapas restaurant, in front of family and friends following a two-year courtship that survived three cities, four jobs, and one rescue Pomeranian.
“After her father gave me his blessing, I knew the time was right for me to ask Amanda to get down on all fours and make me the luckiest man alive,” Novak said, as Hale’s friends admired the simple but elegant cock ring Novak picked out for the occasion. “And she said ‘yes!’ I was so nervous. I can’t wait for the big day — this is every man’s dream.”
Novak was hardly the only person excited by the big news.
“I was starting to worry he’d never ask,” Hale’s mother Sherry said through happy tears. “Ever since Amanda was little, I’ve dreamt of the day she’d take the big plunge, and now my fantasies are coming true! I’m so happy they’re taking their relationship to the next level — as a mom, a bit of me worried he was only wasting my daughter’s time with vaginal sex and light oral. ‘In-the-shitter, or get off the pot,’ I was about to tell him, but thank God he came around. I couldn’t be happier!”
Friends and relatives were quick to offer advice to the happy couple, with some recommending an event planner so that the two could lay back, relax, and have as pain-free an experience as possible, while others suggested beauty tips and spa treatments to help Hale look perfect for her special day.
“We want Amanda’s asshole to be the most beautiful thing Colin has ever seen,” said Hale’s close friend since childhood Dawn Kim. “When he unveils her right before their union, she’s going to be all perfectly puckered-up for him, just like we always imagined when we were little. It’ll be so radiantly white, it’ll bring tears to Colin’s eyes.”
Though the couple’s proposal was public, Novak and Hale confided to their least judgmental relative that they wanted the happiest day of their lives to be small and intimate, with only a photographer and webcam present.
“In this economy, we don’t want to blow our wad on all the pomp and circumstance,” Hale said. “We’re aiming for an intimate occasion, with just us and a few of our closest OnlyFans subscribers.”