PHILADELPHIA – Local venue The Jungle Room is having their most profitable summer season yet after introducing an enticing new frozen treat, sources who really need to bum a cigarette confirmed.
“Cigarette popsicles have proven to be the greatest grift I’ve ever pulled. It’s basically three steps: ban smoking in the venue, take the cigarette butt/rainwater juice from the outdoor smoker’s pole, stick some tongue depressors in it and throw in the walk-in freezer, and boom, you’ve got a final product that is gonna sell like hotcakes,” bar owner Joe Lormazza said while counting a fat stack of singles. “Without this 34-day record-breaking heat wave, I’d never have had this stroke of genius. Between the government’s policies to reduce smoking and increased pace of total climate destruction, it’s really a perfect storm for popsicle profits.”
Longtime smoker and occasional Jungle Room patron Kimberly Choi expressed her reasoning for buying the newly-minted “cig pops.”
“Is it as good as a long, sweet drag off of Parliament’s finest? Of course not. But even flicking my lighter in this weather causes profuse sweating, so I’ll settle for these,” Choi said, gesturing to the unappealing gray slush on a stick. “They taste like shit, they look like shit, and they are probably killing me. It really hits all the right buttons. They’re also $12 each, so you really get that same feeling of wasting your cash on cigarettes.”
The popsicles have become so popular locally that even the corporate behemoth ice cream companies want a piece of the pie.
“I can’t go into detail, but I’ll tell you this–as much as our market research loves the smoker vertical, we see even more potential in selling these unregulated, smokeless products to children, emphysema patients, and every one else who wishes they could be like Joe Camel,” stated Good Humor executive Keri Loman. “My plan is to synergize with our tobacco and trucking divisions and get these on every ice cream truck in America by next month.”
At press time, one of Lormazza’s employees was seen handing out free samples cut into sixteenths to patrons of all ages.