RAPID CITY, S.D. — Local punk venue The Pukebox has somehow invented the world’s first “no-ply” toilet paper as a courtesy to their guests, sources in the bathroom report.
“I pregamed at home, then ate some Wendy’s chili I found in my friend’s car, and dropped a massive deuce during the opening set. I had grabbed a handful of toilet paper, but when I went to wipe I got nothing but my hand. It was so weird,” said local punk Steven Hoffner. “It dissolved like cotton candy in your mouth. Tried it again, same thing. By then I heard the band was doing an Aus-Rotten cover, so I just credit carded the rest with my fingers and ran back out there. Didn’t even wash my hands or anything.”
The Pukebox owner Larry Runnels says he’s proud to be at the forefront of sanitation at punk venues.
“We take health and safety very seriously at The Pukebox. Sure, it looks like a festering shithole, but that’s just the aesthetic. We also developed a hand soap that feels just like water. Some people have said we just fill the dispensers with water, but those are baseless accusations from people who prefer gooey soap. The rumors that we mop up puke, wring out the alcohol then sell it back to customers at half price are outrageous as well–we would never sell anything at half price.”
Microbiologist Stephanie Laroque has studied punk venues for years as an easy way to access various germs, bacterias, and diseases for her research.
“Oh yeah, punk shows offer the ideal habitat for germs to thrive in their natural environment. Even more so than a controlled laboratory,” said Laroque. “These dives have effectively never been sanitized, so we can really see how these things develop without the presence of antibacterial cleaners. Every square foot of your average punk venue has nearly unlimited data on germs, bacteria, fungi, mold, and so on. Our industry owes a lot to disgusting punks and piece of shit venue owners, for sure.”
At press time, Runnels was seen cleaning pint glasses with a dirty diaper he found in the alley.