BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — 41-year-old Jacob Francois claimed responsibility for taking over a local bar’s jukebox using only his phone, an act he says was necessary to “restore order,” confirmed sources.
“I’ve been going to this bar since my early 30s, but over the years, I’ve watched it fall into the hands of outsiders who have no respect for the corner pub,” Francois declared from his usual seat at the end of the bar. “I could not sit idly by while my bar—my community—was desecrated by interlopers who don’t understand the sanctity of getting hammered alone here. These so-called patrons come in and pollute the sacred airwaves with shitty music. There is only so much Morgan Wallen a man can tolerate. So I took action—funneling $200 into the jukebox remotely from my phone. It was only a matter of time before someone had to overthrow these music choices.”
Samantha Cochran, a patron who was present that night, recalled the harrowing events.
“I remember my friend Braylan had just put on a few Dierks Bentley songs and ordered a round of club sodas with lime,” Cochran explained. “When his songs ended, Braylan went back to queue up more, but that’s when we realized—someone had locked in 75 songs. There was no way we’d get to hear anything else before last call. We didn’t find out until later that someone was able to do this remotely from their iPhone, which is honestly terrifying. That’s all it takes now? Just a few taps, and suddenly, you own the means of production. What we need most now is a Luigi Mangione to take out whoever did this to us. This is a national security risk.”
Jordan Flanagan, former doorman and current head of private security firm Black Out Security, explained how incidents like this happen and what you can do to protect yourself.
“Over the last five to ten years, we’ve seen a rise in bar regulars becoming radicalized over what they perceive as an influx of terrible music being forced upon them. And when that happens, they tend to resort to extreme measures,” Flanagan said. “The best thing you can do to avoid being a victim is to scan your surroundings when you walk in. Know where the jukebox is, take inventory of the regulars, and pay attention to what vibe of music is playing. If something doesn’t feel right, leave. This is how you stay safe.”
At press time, Francois was seen at the bar just before closing, quietly singing along to Morrissey’s “First of the Gang to Die.”