MONTEREY, Calif. — Recently retired father Fred Maligno has set up a 360-degree investigation into the car that mysteriously appeared parked in front of his house yesterday afternoon, sources confirmed.
“That Nissan Altima doesn’t belong to Linda next door, and that is a fucking fact,” Maligno confirmed while staring out his kitchen window. “I’ve got a whole sting operation set up here: Bob down the street sends text updates on his morning walks, while Sonny and Sharon keep an eye out from their porch. I’m mostly on window duty till noon, followed by tactical surveillance from the backyard and roof. Ring camera is active, got pots of coffee brewing to keep me alert, and have update notifications set for the Nextdoor app. Maybe they’re looking to case houses, or sell drugs, or it could be a whole human trafficking situation. You can’t be too safe nowadays. Might dust the car handle for fingerprints, after I watch a quick YouTube video on how that works.”
Not everyone in Maligno’s family is as supportive of his recent interest.
“This always happens when he watches too much ‘Law and Order: Special Victims Unit’ in one sitting,” shared his daughter Samantha. “It’s pathetic, constantly twitching the curtains back just to spy on a parked sedan. He can’t even get the Ring camera to work. Whenever friends come over, I tell them to park three blocks away. He gets so weird about it. I’ve had friends receive windshield notes asking ‘Do you live in this neighborhood?’ He even blocks people with recycling bins. Sometimes he just stands out front, watering the cement, mean-mugging cars that drive by. Now that he’s retired, it’s only going to get worse.”
Luckily for Maligno, there are services that cater to his needs.
“Defending your home and keeping your family safe is no joke, especially from cars that suddenly appear out of nowhere. We keep vehicular intruders where they belong: parked somewhere else,” shared Curbside Security CEO Vince Shahan, laser-pointing at city grid layouts. “You see the gas lines and water pipes running under the street? This parking may actually be a form of domestic terrorism, expressed through errantly placed vehicles seeking to distract from devious behavior. Our team will help you call ‘dibs’ on a spot in front of your property by placing cumbersome dumpsters or long-term construction cones. We even provide a branded detective kit, with a special tactical notepad for recording license plates.”
At press time, Maligno announced the creation of an anonymous tip line and plans to reach out to satellite services for tracking, once he gets his email address connected to his phone.