WASHINGTON — Democratic voters were left puzzled today after the party’s latest round of fundraising emails was just Nancy Pelosi asking if they could drive her to the airport, sources confirmed.
“Donald Trump is back in the Oval Office and the soul of our democracy is at stake. We need your help to fight back, but I can’t stop Trump if I can’t get a ride to the airport at 5 a.m. on Saturday. You failed Hillary Clinton. You failed Kamala Harris. Will you fail me too?” said Pelosi as she dictated the fundraising email. “Also, it would really help heal our fractured nation if you swung by Starbucks and picked up a decaf skim latte with a dash of cinnamon on your way to pick me up.”
Democratic voter Greg Leonard revealed that his inbox was completely flooded by requests from politicians begging for help with mundane tasks.
“I thought the Democratic fundraising emails would dry up once the election was over, but they’ve only gotten worse—this one is just a picture of a sobbing Chuck Schumer holding an allen wrench saying that he can’t protect democracy if I don’t help him put together this Vebjörn desk from IKEA,” said Leonard, scrolling through his inbox. “Then there’s this email from Biden asking me to help him move on January 20th, and oh great, look what just came in: ‘Greg! Hospice care for Jimmy Carter isn’t free. Will you step up?'”
Meanwhile the Trump campaign took a slightly different tactic with their own relentless fundraising email campaigns.
“ATTENTION! Will YOU visit Uncle Sam’s widow after the DEMONcrats murder him on live TV? Hillary Clinton has promised to shoot a bald eagle in the face, and we won’t be able to stop her if you don’t chip in seventeen dollars to the Trump campaign to save ‘UNCLE SAM the eagle,’” read the email, displayed in a red font resembling dripping blood. “Crooked Hillary is promising she will continue to execute an eagle every hour if you don’t pitch in to help TRUMP buy UNCLE SAM a bulletproof vest. And a commemorative gold-plated replica of Uncle Sam’s bulletproof vest can be yours for just $69.99!”
At press time, reports revealed a recent Libertarian Party email just reminded the recipient that they needed to tell them if they were a cop before they asked for a favor or it would be entrapment.