PHILADELPHIA — Local man Ollie Pendleton spent the last stretch of his 10-hour LSD trip doing laundry, pragmatic sources confirmed.
“Man, it was so awesome to open up my consciousness today and feel such an overwhelming sensation of love and connection with the universe,” said Pendleton, ironing out the wrinkles on a pair of khaki pants. “But eventually I remembered that I have work tomorrow, and I need to knock out a couple loads of laundry, so I pivoted to that. I guess I could have kept enjoying the trip, but at a certain point, how much of a sense of connection with the cosmos do you really need? In a building with a shared laundry room, I’m not gonna pass up an open washer no matter how much I’m still peaking. And I was experiencing colors really vividly, so it was easy to separate my lights from my darks.”
Roommate Ray Gupta says that Pendleton often ends up doing chores when he takes recreational drugs.
“I love it when Ollie trips, since that’s usually the only time he’ll ever clean anything around here,” said Gupta. “I do have to put up with him watching cartoons and plucking his guitar for a few hours, but eventually he’ll get bored of that and he’ll start tidying up. I don’t know if psychedelics make him want to live in a clean space. I just know I’ve never seen him get out the vacuum while he’s sober. Whenever he experiences ego death he always washes all his dirty dishes and apologizes for being so messy, and I really wish that attitude would carry over to the next day. But I’ll take what I can get.”
Leela Marchand, a local drug dealer, says her customers are often looking for psychedelic drugs that have a quick taper-off so that they can get back to doing admin afterwards.
“These people with full-time jobs are always wanting to try a new drug, but in a way that doesn’t eat up their whole Saturday,” said Marchand. “They want to trip, they want to elevate their consciousness and transcend the day-to-day ego-driven bullshit for a while, but then they want to come back down and cross some chores off their list. They’re often asking me how soon after taking a drug are they gonna feel comfortable picking up groceries, or scrubbing their bathtub, or getting on the phone with their health insurance provider. Acid is pretty hard to move these days, but DMT is going like crazy. They can smoke that at noon and be in line at the bank at 1:30.”
At press time, Pendleton reportedly smoked some marijuana to try to extend the after effects of his LSD so that he could also do a load of linens.
