MESA, Ariz. — Local kinky couple Charles Huffman and Mallory Moore seemingly got aroused after coercing their friends and family to watch them profess their undying love for each other, confirmed sources who brought a plus one.
“What’s the big deal?!” Moore exclaimed. “Sometimes a girl just wants to put on a ball gown and slow dance with her own father in front of a large group of people! I mean seriously, how do the rest of you get off? Sure, we did a little role-playing at the altar where we only kissed when the priest instructed us to, and it just so happens to turn me on every time someone calls me Mrs. Huffman, but that doesn’t mean I am a part of some sort of community of fetishists who forces 75% of the people she knows to travel to Hawaii for a destination wedding. To be honest, it was kind of hot though.”
Moore’s longtime friend Bailey Pope seemed more disgusted than happy for her.
“Look, I’m no prude. I’ve done a little ass-to-mouth, sure, but at least everyone wanted to be there! And I certainly never asked my parents to watch!” said Pope. “I mean, first Mallory and whats-his-face got up there, going on and on about their relationship, like any of us care, and then we had to watch them kiss without our consent. And I’m not talking about some little peck on the cheek. It was tongues and everything! I felt like some sort of cuck being forced to watch. No wonder her grandmother was crying! Perverted freaks.”
Experts noted that the kinkiest of couples prefer a big wedding.
“This kind of behavior is surprisingly common in monogamous couples,” explained social anthropologist Dr. J Patrick Connolly of Indiana University. “They become so obsessed with their own relationship that they feel everyone else needs to sacrifice an entire Saturday to watch them prance about and talk about how special they are. In many instances, they will even send out a card to let people know they will be sending out a second card later to invite them. It would be sad if it weren’t so creepy. Weddings are basically equivalent to a sketch you’d see in a porno. In fact, ‘wedding’ is the most frequently searched keyword on PornHub.”
At press time, friends and family were even more horrified after watching Huffman feed Moore cake with his hands and removing her garter belt from her thigh before flinging it toward the crowd.