NEW YORK — “The Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon shocked the comedy world after revealing he has voluntarily joined ICE to assist with rounding up other American talk show hosts who have spoken ill of the Trump administration, NBC executives confirmed.
“I got this great new segment where I join ICE, and hunt down my talk show host colleagues like the unpatriotic dogs they are. Unlike them, I’m unemployable outside of ‘The Tonight Show’ so if I have to escort Stephen Colbert to a black site in El Salvador to not get cancelled, I’m down,” said Fallon. “I never wanted to pick a side in this political battle, unlike my writing staff I had disappeared for mocking the President. But once I track down Jimmy Kimmel and turn him over to the state once and for all, I’ll secure myself a primetime spot when all the networks are consolidated into ‘TrumpTV’ in a few years.”
Fellow late night host and former SNL co-star Seth Meyers was mortified that he’d betray them.
“That giggling, backstabbing son of a bitch. He just busted into 30 Rock with an army of agents and started hunting us down one by one. One of the pages said she saw Kelly Clarkson being dragged away in a giant beer pong cup prop, like it was all some kind of sick joke. Thankfully I managed to hide in the one place he’s too afraid to enter, Lorne Michaels’ office,” said Meyers. “If I can hold out another 15 minutes, it should give Craig Ferguson enough time to arrive with the chopper and get us to Canada. Fucking hell, if Jimmy wanted to sell out that badly why didn’t he just go on Bill Maher?”
DHS Secretary Kristi Noem commended Fallon for his efforts.
“After trying to silence Kimmel backfired, we caught a break when Jimmy came to us and offered to use his connections to locate and eliminate other hosts we’ve labeled enemies of the state in exchange for permanent relevancy. This is exactly the kind of leverage we needed, especially after Conan O’Brien single-handedly took out 40 ICE agents last week,” said Noem. “Once we can get Jay Leno and James Corden fitted for uniforms, our team of grating, milquetoast centrist hacks is going to really bust some heads.”
As of press time, Fallon put on an exclusive performance for the detained contemporaries by slow jamming the news they were being sent to Alligator Alcatraz.
