HORNERSTOWN, N.J. — Serial killer and torture pioneer Jigsaw was reportedly left horrified today after his unwilling Thanksgiving guests quickly devoured a massive turducken he had prepared to punish their gluttony, police sources confirmed.
“You have used the tainted holiday of Thanksgiving to excuse your gluttonous behavior while others starve with nothing. Your insatiable greed has led you here, and to survive, you must devour your way to salvation. But if you fail, you’ll be torn in two like a wishbone, spilling your sins over the—hey, what the fuck, how did they already eat the entire turducken?” said a disgusted Jigsaw, wearing a pilgrim hat while watching the ravenous display on a CCTV monitor. “It took me two days to prepare that massive thing, and they already stuffed their fat faces with it before I even finished my speech. Jesus Christ, I put a shitload of razor blades in there and it didn’t even slow them down!”
Thanksgiving hostage Bill Myers recounted his terrifying tale of survival from Jigsaw’s latest devious trap.
“I’m just so grateful to be out of there, that was the most excruciating experience of my life—I mean what kind of psychopath only serves three kinds of pie at Thanksgiving? And one of them was mincemeat, that sick fuck,” said Myers, picking his teeth with a dirty syringe. “Not to mention the turducken was dry and he put raisins in the stuffing. I guess if his elaborate torture scheme was to starve us with a subpar spread then mission accomplished. At least that other guy had a hacksaw, I wish I could have sawed my foot off and escaped to get a couple of buckets of chicken at KFC.”
After freeing the hostages from their Thanksgiving trap, Detective Paul Briggs found himself snared in a Christmas-themed torture game despite it honestly being a little too early to celebrate the festive season.
“Oh come on, Jigsaw. It’s not even December yet, you couldn’t wait another week to break out the Christmas-themed torture traps?” asked Detective Briggs, reading a task commanding him to untangle a mess of Christmas lights strung together on razor wire with his bare hands. “You have an entire month to dip people in boiling vats of egg nog or shove sharpened candy canes in their eyes. Can’t you at least wait until we’ve digested Thanksgiving dinner before you guilt trip us about not visiting our families for the holidays or whatever preachy shit this game is all about? Honestly, I get less of a guilt trip from the Salvation Army Santa outside Target.”
At press time, Jigsaw was scouring the city trying to find victims for his New Year’s Eve-themed trap that hadn’t already blown all their fingers off in fireworks accidents.