WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance lashed out at working-class Americans today criticizing their inability to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and find an evil scheming oligarch to uplift them from poverty, sources confirmed.
“Every day I have to endure grousing from the whiniest Americans, complaining about how they can’t make ends meet—I mean how hard is it to dig down deep, take some personal responsibility, and find an unscrupulous billionaire to orchestrate your rise to power?” said Vance. “I grew up poor too, but did that stop me from selling my soul for the promise of wealth and power? The America I know was built on tough, hardworking folks supporting their families by shredding any dignity they had left, slapping on some thick eyeliner like a truck stop lot lizard, and whoring themselves out to further the neo-feudalist agenda of a sinister technocrat.”
Ohio mechanic Tom Griswald reportedly felt foolish that he had spent years struggling to make ends meet instead of pursuing a wealthy patron to lift him from his poor socioeconomic class.
“I feel like such a moron, I’ve been working doubles and moonlighting for Uber when this whole time I could have simply found an oligarch to pimp me out for nefarious reasons,” said Griswald, searching for “Billionaire Patron” on Indeed. “Well first thing in the morning I’m going to march right down to Yale and convince a contract law professor to help me write a book about how my mom sold me for drugs, and find some crypto bros to funnel dark money into my Senatorial campaign. Thank you Vice President Vance for inspiring me to finally take some personal responsibility, grab the couch by the armrests, and find me a scheming sugar daddy.”
Billionaire techno-autocrat Peter Thiel reminisced about the day he met Vance.
“You know, when I first plucked JD from obscurity and orchestrated his rise to the White House I thought he was just another pawn on my board, but watching him grow from a strange little boy to a strange plump man has been so fulfilling that some days I wonder who rescued who,” said Thiel, holding Vance’s old shock collar in his hands. “I’ve tried to convince Marc Andreesen how rewarding it is to groom your very own Manchurian candidate, but he insists on developing an AI to fulfill his global domination and companionship needs. Mind you it’s not a perfect science, John Fetterman blew a fuse and went haywire, but it’s all worth it when you see your special little guy bulldoze the federal government so he can remake the nation in your image.”
At press time, the nation’s oligarchs were collectively pretending not to notice Ted Cruz begging for adoption.