WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance was reportedly left sitting on the curb for several hours today after President Trump forgot to pick him up after a charity softball game, sources confirmed.
“There must have been some sort of DEI emergency at the White House, President Trump wouldn’t just forget about me…would he?” pouted Vice President Vance, sitting on the curb with his face in his hands. “No, no way, I’m an integral part of this administration, with various managerial tasks and assorted office duties—he always says I’m the MVP of getting coffee and donuts for everyone. I better wait here a little longer, he promised to take me to see Ted Nugent’s one man show at the Kennedy Center and I want to make sure he doesn’t think I bailed on him when he shows up looking for me.”
Secret Service Agent Lance Connelly reportedly had to console the Vice President for several hours while they waited for Air Force One to arrive.
“When the President didn’t show up, JD took it really hard—I mean I’ve never seen a Vice President cry this much, and I was there when Trump tried to have Mike Pence killed,” said Agent Connelly, wringing out his tear-soaked tie. “I sat with him for a few hours and let him play games on my phone before I faked a call saying the President got pulled away to nuke Iran. Honestly, I just didn’t have the heart to tell him that President Trump was already on the 14th hole at Mar-A-Lago.”
President Trump fielded questions from reporters after Air Force One finally arrived back in the Capitol.
“The fake news media are saying I forgot to pick up that crybaby JD Vance, which is false! I was just a little delayed and got him as soon as I was done with some very important business, but that didn’t stop JD from sobbing all the way home. I mean have you ever seen such a whiner, folks? No wonder his parents sold him for drugs when he was a kid,” said Trump, bouncing an empty Big Mac box off Vance’s head. “I tried to cheer him up by taking him to McDonald’s on the way back to the White House, but he embarrassed me by ordering a Filet-O-Fish with a carton of milk like a stray cat. Now my new upholstery from the beautiful people of Qatar smells like Ted Cruz’s ugly wife, no President in history has been treated so poorly by his Vice President!”
At press time, Trump was reportedly working with his lawyers to offload full custody of JD Vance to Peter Thiel.