NASHVILLE — Controversial country singer Jason Aldean recently penned a solemn ode to the Boston police officer who rapidly tumbled down a children’s slide, sources who can’t stop laughing at the video confirm.
“The hellish liberal dystopia I saw in that viral video and the many, many comments from those making fun of a true American patriot made me realize I need to fight back the only way I know how; by song,” Aldean said while writing a several-hundred word Instagram post caption with the hashtag #alllivesmatter. “I hated seeing him be the butt of jokes, and not knowing that there’s a silent majority out there that’s not on board with that. And so the chorus just came to me: ‘Thin blue line / you do your job oh so fine // So don’t you worry / we got your back in a hurry // Everybody can see / it was a trap anyways // A set-up, a ruse / by the Parks Department gays.’”
But nearby children who witnessed the officer’s mishap weren’t convinced of an ulterior motive at play.
“The cop said, ‘watch this, I can do it better than all of you,’ and was like real excited about it,” 9-year-old Timmy Garland recalled. “Nobody even knew why he was even there. I mean, obviously to go down the slide, because it’s such a cool one. We go there a lot. And so he went down it and we heard all these bangs, and then he came out super fast like a missile or something. We were trying not to laugh, but it was funny. Then he swore a lot and told us all to scatter before he got out his taser.”
Aldean’s somber three-minute single, “It’s Okay You Tried That on a Playground,” has nevertheless gone platinum in the 24 hours since its release, as Billboard’s John Townsend noted.
“The song is already proving to be incredibly popular with dads who offer to buy police officers their coffee anytime they see them in a Dunkin. It’s also big with suburban mothers who listen to too many true crime podcasts and actually think cops are there to protect them,” Townsend said. “The song is unneeded, obviously, and— ironically—kind of a bleeding heart sentiment, with its melodramatic violins and everything. And the fact that Aldean himself wrote it, unlike that other hit of his, is just going to give him more confidence. God, I can’t imagine what’s next.”
At press time, the song had shot up to number three on the Billboard chart, while reports were coming in from Boston that the officer has since shot up the slide.