TEL AVIV — IDF soldiers and fellow genocidal maniacs alike were excited to witness Israel’s version of Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow Monday morning, which historically symbolizes another six more weeks of genocide, sources confirmed.
“This is my least favorite day of the year. They yank me out of my home in the morning, point their guns at me, and then celebrate as I cower in fear. I’d say they treat me as bad as the people in Gaza, but they actually give me food and they aren’t actively trying to kill me,” said the groundhog shortly after the ceremony. “Unfortunately for everyone in Palestine, my shadow was there, and now the Israeli government will use that as their excuse to ignore ceasefire deals and invade the West Bank. But I have a sneaking suspicion they would have done it even if I’d seen nothing.”
Zionists admit they are looking forward to the immediate future of running Palestinians out of their homeland, bombing entire villages out of existence, and murdering them systematically, a springtime tradition for the last 58 years.
“We have an incredibly complex infrastructure wherein the buildings reflect light in such a way that the groundhog always sees its shadow,” said Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Israel would look weak if we decided to stop the genocide now, thankfully nobody is actually going to stop us. The groundhog is a cute excuse to keep up these bombing campaigns as long as we can. The troops we have in the West Bank have already recorded a nice video thanking the groundhog for giving them permission to displace anyone living there. ”
Recently laid-off American State Department employee and X user Zack Smith pointed out another contributing factor as to the groundhog not acting of his own accord.
“Israel’s Punxsutawney Phil is actually flown in from Pennsylvania. Groundhogs are not native to this part of the world,” said Smith. “This is another example of the American government funding Israel’s genocide by providing weapons and America denying its part in a genocide resulting in murdering thousands more Palestinians. They are actually requesting more groundhogs so they can continue the excuse.”
At press time, Israel printed their own version of “The Old Farmer’s Almanac” which predicts 2025 will be a year of heavy genocide.