WILMINGTON, Del. — Office introvert Chandler Pike was cautiously optimistic that his shorter-than-usual haircut would go unnoticed by colleagues, according to sources who overheard him trying to convince himself of that.
“Maybe I’m just overreacting. Sure, everybody here leads such rich and fulfilling lives that they won’t even notice something as trivial as a haircut, right?” said Pike as he examined himself in the mirror. “I always tell my barber not to take too much off or those animals are going to have an absolute field day with me since they know how much I hate any kind of attention. I just have to relax and remember today’s Diane’s big going away party so I’m sure everyone will be preoccupied and won’t have time to make a big deal of my hair. It’s gonna be fine.”
Pike’s coworker and keen office observer Jared Davenport expressed excitement about the news.
“I just saw Chandler as he walked into the building and holy fucking shit, I cannot wait to roast his ass for getting a slightly different haircut than he has in the past. I better get up to the office before he does so I can make a big deal of it,” stated Davenport as he texted other workmates about it. “I know today’s Diane’s last day and all, but a colleague with a new doo should never be ignored. Things are really monotonous around here, so whenever we notice anything different from a new pair of pants to a shaved mustache, we lose our minds. Us office jackals need to feed, and fresh gazelle meat is about to walk through the door sporting a tasty new haircut.”
Director of HR Consulting Sara Honeycomb explained how unwanted attention comes with the territory of working at uneventful jobs.
“Most of the people who I see on a daily basis are introverts complaining about their coworkers constantly pointing out something new about them,” said Honeycomb. “Normally there’s nothing wrong with a compliment, but in the self-contained toxic petri dish of office culture that can often spiral into a barrage of intolerable comments which can easily lead to serious conflict or worse, a new nickname that they’ll never live down. I’d probably call him ‘Buzz’.”
At press time, Pike reportedly caught wind of the office’s plans after being inadvertently included on Davenport’s group chat, and was last seen running out of the building and heading straight home.