INDIANAPOLIS — Local asshole Brodie Mccaffery had the audacity to burden his work friend Dianne Lin with 100% free, no strings attached concert tickets, multiple sources confirmed.
“I bought tickets to see Weed Killer a few months ago, but unfortunately my friend’s mom had unexpectedly passed away, so I’ll now be spending that evening baking casseroles for the family as they sit shiva. I’m disappointed I’ll miss the show, but it’s more important to be there for my loved ones,” said the incredibly rude and thoughtless piece of garbage Mccaffery. “Luckily, my co-worker Dianne is a huge fan. I’m just glad someone will get to enjoy the concert. Although she did seem kind of perturbed when I handed her tickets, but then I heard her mutter ‘mother fucking asshole’ under her breath, which I guess is her way of saying she’s really excited for the show.”
Lin explained her frustration with her coworker’s generous obligation.
“I really thought Brodie was my friend. But then, out of nowhere, he foists show tickets on me and carelessly offers to pay for parking. Now I have to fucking leave the house and be around people for a whole Friday,” said Lin. “I tried to weasel out of it, but then he said he’d finish my quarterly reports so I could leave work early, as well as change my oil on his lunch break. All I ever want is to Grubhub fast food and binge ‘Love It or List It.’ But now I gotta put on jeans.”
Perhaps related, Weed Killer lead singer Gina Dalton noticed a change in audience demeanor during the band’s recent tour.
“The other night I asked the crowd how they were feeling, but the reaction was lukewarm shrugs mixed with outright aggravation,” said Dalton. “Throughout the night I saw a bunch of people taking joyless photos of themselves in front of the stage, as if they needed evidence they were there. Then after our set, we went backstage before the encore. A few minutes later we returned to the stage and everyone vanished. We played two last songs for a few empty beer bottles and some servers breaking down their workstations.”
At press time, Lin is planning to fake a pregnancy and take maternity leave after learning Mccaffery is offering several of his coworkers a free, week-long stay at his lake house.