NEW YORK — New York Times headliner editor Percy Howard patted himself on the back today after writing a headline describing Israeli soldiers opening fire on unarmed Palestinians seeking food aid that was so vague that it completely lost all meaning, sources close to the man confirmed.
“It’s my job to stay fair and balanced when describing contentious situations like these—who’s to say that the bullets that spontaneously sprang forth from their guns actually caused these individuals to stop breathing? A lot can happen to a bullet between when it’s released and when an individual receives it,” said Howard. “Plus ‘massacre’ and ‘war crimes’ are such ugly words, personally I prefer to describe these unfortunate mishaps with something a little more subtle like ‘spontaneous memorial site’ and ‘conflict conduct disputes.’”
Readers of the incredibly vague news coverage were left unable to decipher what the hell actually happened during the incident.
“What does ‘several adult-adjacent Palestinians were introduced to the sounds of gunfire during the scuttlebutt’ even mean? I think someone might have shot at a taco truck in Gaza but I really can’t tell,” said longtime New York Times reader Brett Palmer. “I heard something on TikTok about how 100 Palestinians were killed and 700 were wounded by Israeli forces earlier today while trying to get food aid, but social media users are so biased. This must be a totally different incident, because this story didn’t talk about any of that.”
Meanwhile the Israeli Defense Forces took to X (formerly Twitter) to condemn the harsh language the New York Times editor used to describe the incident.
“They should be ashamed of themselves for spreading this blatant propaganda and using targeted rhetoric like ‘spirited mishap.’ Those bags of flour were clearly harboring a Hamas command center, in four weeks we will show you the proof,” said a statement released by the Israeli Defense Forces account. “Besides, during the chaos these aggressor’s bodies stole thousands of rounds of ammunition from our brave soldiers, but they didn’t report that part did they? We demand an apology and a correction to the story.”
The headline followed the paper’s coverage of Aaron Bushnell’s self-immolation protest of the genocide, which read ‘US Citizen Raises Awareness for Cause With Fiery Speech on Embassy Steps.”