CREST HILL, Ill. — Newly convicted felon Silas Deane Highway is reportedly looking forward to his 6-8 year prison sentence because he’s always dreamed of mastering the harmonica, sources confirmed.
“Hell, if it means it’ll afford me what I can only assume from old movies and television is a crash course in harmonica performance and theory, consider me glad I committed all that arson,” said a beaming Highway as he was being handcuffed. “By my estimation, prison is mostly eating, sleeping, and balefully playing the harmonica as you consider the choices you’ve made, and very little else. People keep recommending I watch ‘Oz’ before I go, but those Judy Garland songs seem a little tough for a beginner like me. I think I’ll start with something simple like ‘Love Me Do,’ y’know? Oh boy, I hope my cellmate has a good singing voice!”
Longtime employees of the prison are used to their facilities being used for musical purposes.
“‘I’ll say this for the bastard, he’s got the right idea. Every notable harmonica player from Little Walter to the Blues Traveler guy has intentionally kicked a cop or robbed a liquor store in order to get a few years behind bars to get a free master’s degree in the mouth harp. It’s theoretically the quickest way to learn, plus you save on tuition. Well, the taxpayers don’t, but they do,” said Stateville Correctional Center warden Randy Pfister. “I’m not a very emotional man, but I’ll admit it, when I hear a guy finally cracking Stevie Wonder’s ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ after a few months of solitary, I have to let out a few tears of pride.”
Common as the practice is, some harmonica hopefuls overshoot the initial crime needed to enter the prison walls.
“Boy, was my face red when I found out all the serial ax murdering I did would put me in here with way more time than I needed to learn not only harmonica, but pretty much every orchestral instrument there is. A few of ‘em I can play at the same time, one-man-band style!” exclaimed multiple life-sentence holder Jack Kelsey Gingham while twirling a bassoon in his fingers like a drumstick. “Heck, I’ve been in here so long that I’ve moved on from music and gone right on to figuring out open heart surgery and DNA splicing. Hey, whatever passes the time. And if it’s one thing I got in here, it’s time.”
At press time, Highway was dismayed to find, upon inspection of his anal cavity, that he accidentally smuggled in a kazoo by mistake.