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Guy on Street Corner Just Needs Couple Bucks for Patreon Exclusive Podcast Episode

CINCINNATI — Local resident Ricardo Korm reportedly asked several passersby for money yesterday to buy Patreon-exclusive content from his favorite podcasts, according to sources outside Walgreens.

“I just need $3.27 more to get me to the exclusive live chat Q-and-A this afternoon,” said Korm, holding a cardboard sign that read, “Please help, need ad free episodes.” “Anything you can spare would help me out a lot. It’s been a hard week: ‘Best Show’ offered membership cards for the $10 tier, then ‘Hollywood Handbook’s’ back catalog went behind the paywall.”

“Pretty soon this will be a problem you people can’t just sweep under the rug,” Korm added. “What happens when ‘This American Life’ starts charging $5 for every other episode, huh? Anyway, I accept Venmo, Cash App, and Square. God bless.”

Although membership-based business models have taken a toll on many podcast listeners, some solicited by Korm were unsympathetic.

“I offered him my leftover chicken alfredo,” said local real estate agent Trevor Jackson. “But in exchange, he tried to explain the benefits of perfectly-portioned meal delivery kits… and bit open a packet of Blue Apron capers in front of my wife. It freaked us out. I pay my taxes and listen to ‘Pod Save America’ like a good citizen: why should I give him my hard-earned money? Besides, you know he’ll probably just spend it on Doughboys.”

 

Korm’s incentivized podcast obsession did not develop overnight.

“I listened casually at first, playing ‘WTF’ in the car or ‘Your Kickstarter Sucks’ at the office. Then one day, I woke up and couldn’t remember the last time I’d listened to music. Eventually, podcasts replaced visual entertainment as well — I’d sit on the couch and stare at my reflection in the TV screen while listening to ‘The Dollop.’ It wasn’t long before podcasts replaced my friends, family — everything.”

“I still have my job, though,” Korm added. “I just listen to podcasts all day at work. It’s pretty great.”

At press time, Korm was attempting to busk by performing a “live” podcast; however, most witnesses mistook his “riffing” for incoherent rambling.

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