MANSFIELD, CT – Disappointed and saddened by what awaits him, graduating senior Fred Dunbar is coming to terms with the fact that he will never fulfill his dream of dropping out of college to pursue a music career.
This realization dawned on the successful pre-law student as he waited to pick up his cap and gown from the prestigious Princeton University library. “Fuck, my band never took off… I never even learned to play guitar,” said Dunbar. “I feel like I’m wasting my life.”
Walking across the stage and being handed a diploma is a huge moment for most people — a culmination of hard work and integrity. Dunbar fears it is the first in what will be a series of mistakes pulling him from his passion for music.
“I just pictured things working out differently for me,” sighed Dunbar, who attended the renowned Ivy league institution with a full ride and secured valedictorian status with a 4.0 GPA. “My life is just slipping away.”
Instead of reminiscing and reflecting with his peers since taking their final exams, Dunbar dwelled on his lack of impact on the music world. “Four years here, and I wasn’t even the guy who booked shows! How could I let this happen?” he asked rhetorically. “I never got drunk and tried to fight a cop. Shit, the only time I puked in college was when I had the flu.”
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“My parents are really proud of me, too. Fuck, am I a poseur?” wondered Dunbar, trying to decide whether or not he ever was “a true punk.” “Sure, I could talk about how corporations are destroying America in my valedictorian speech, but that might hurt my reputation with the alumni association. Maybe I could run across the stage naked or something, but, let’s be honest — my grandma’s gonna be there.”
Despite already enjoying job security so few of his fellow graduates have, Dunbar believes he has more to be afraid of than most. “How many legendary punks finish college? Yeah, there’s Milo, but the Descendents released that album before he even went! What’ll my legacy be?”
At press time, Dunbar expressed relief in realizing he could still eventually drop out of grad school.