USA – A recent spike in GG Allin sightings has been linked to Christmas tree lots sprouting up around the nation, according to Christmas tree lot owner Michelle Kilmer.
Customers are understandably upset and have left scathing Yelp! reviews describing their experience.
“I was going down to Coleman’s Family Tree to pick up a Christmas tree with my wife and two kids. We found the perfect tree, but then out of nowhere this guy comes over covered in scabs and missing teeth, and would not stop staring at my 11-year-old daughter. He did do a great job strapping the tree to the van though,” Denver resident Jack Unger said.
Christmas tree lot owners across America are stressing that consumers have nothing to worry about when buying their perfect tree. According to the owners, these men are only lookalikes and not the actual bloody, shit-covered frontman who was known for urinating all over his fans.
“We offer job opportunities to a lot of ex-convicts looking to turn their life around. These men have been dealt a rough hand and we feel that it’s in the spirit of the season to not only give gifts, but second chances,” Kilmer said, adding, “but, yeah, I totally get it, these guys look like they would defecate into their hands and throw it at you.”